Thursday, June 20, 2013

After All

I have huge news everyone!

The Lord has been, and always will be, gracious to us!

He has been faithful, even when we doubted!

He has listened to every cry!

Turned His ear to every prayer!

He never left our side!

Not for a moment, did He forsake us!

He is pleased to give us all things!

God has answered our prayer and the cry of our hearts!

I'M PREGNANT!!!!

Thank you Jesus!

This is how I feel right now!

 Even now, we are still in shock and we had the blessing of finding out the day before father"s day so I am about 5 weeks along. Such a wonderful gift!  I just sit around and stare at the positive pregnancy test sometimes to help myself truly believe this is real. There is another life is inside of me, and I feel more complete. The ache of the loneliness that comes with grief is dissipating. Another tiny baby is growing in my belly, and no matter what happens, we will have this little one forever. 

My heart feels so full and so light at the same time.The burden of the unknown is lifted, as I know now that my body is capable of having more children.
And my heart is full of many, many emotions. 
I have so much joyful anticipation for this new life.
I have fears that the same thing that happened with Ezra will happen to this one. 
I am filled with joy at the thought that we are now a family of five!
I fear that Ezra will become smaller in my heart and mind because he is not physically here, and this new baby hopefully will be here. 
I feel overwhelming and inexpressible bliss at the thought of sitting in that hospital room, holding a band new life.
And I feel a dark fear at the thought of being in that hospital room again.
I feel a strange peace.
But I am not without fear and worry. 
I really am feeling a lot of the same emotions any other pregnant lady feels.
But it seems as if some of them are magnified times a million.
And I miss my baby Ezra.

And yet the Lord whispers:

"Cast all your anxieties on Me because I care for you." (1 Peter 5:7)
"Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." (Matthew 11:28)
" I will build you up again, and you, will be rebuilt. Again you will go  
  out to dance with the joyful" (Jeremiah 31:4)
" He tends His flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in His arms and carries them close to His heart; 
  He gently leads those who have young" (Isaiah 40;11)

And my precious verse that God gave me from the book of Job just weeks after Ezra was born, and I was feeling great, paralyzing fear over the idea of going through labor again, knowing that something so terrible could happen to me and my baby. This is God responding to Job and telling Job the depths of His power and the vastness of His wisdom and understanding. 

"Do you know when the mountain goats give birth?
    Do you watch when the doe bears her fawn?
Do you count the months till they bear?
    Do you know the time they give birth?
     - Job 39 1&2

And the chorus of this song has been my anthem;

And after all You are constant 
After all You are only good 
After all You are sovereign 
Not for a moment will You forsake me 

-After all, By Meredith Andrews

Whenever I hear that song; tears. Every time. God is so good. 

I want to thank everyone of you who have been praying for us, and I wish I could thank you all personally. God has answered our prayers! Praise Him, the good and faithful one! 

I am about 5 weeks along now, and these are the placenta growing weeks! Please, please  pray right now that God will give that placenta a strong attachment to my uterine wall as the placenta is growing in this first trimester. Please pray that God will sustain the life of this new little one, and that this baby would be strong and healthy. And please pray that God will give me the peace that transcends all understanding for these next eight months. 

Ah, it feels so good to be back here, pounding away at the keys, pouring out my heart. I have missed it! This past month has been so full of stresses. Moving, trying to conceive (and my husband was on a business trip and barely made it back in time), volunteering at my church's VBS which put me around many babies and when I did not know I was pregnant that can really intensify the grief (although, little did I know that God was gracing me with a pregnancy during that very week), and my husband started a brand new job.Whew! I really feel like I barely made it through. All of that, and God still revealed His power to overcome, and He gave us a new, sweet little baby!
Amazing! 
I love Him!