I feel sad that I haven't posted here in a while. I have missed writing posts, though I have written many in my head. :)
So I wanted to update you all a little bit on my life these days. Number one, my husband got a new job! Very exciting! His current job is not always family friendly and we have reason to believe that this new job will allow for more family time, which is so very precious to us right now. We also are in the middle of packing up our apartment to move. Which is also very exciting for us! These past two years we have lived on campus at KU, which not ideal for raising a toddler and grieving the unexpected loss of an infant child. Our temporary plan is to live with my parents while we house shop. We'll see what God has in store for us!
So life has been very full. It has been full of excitement,and it has still been full of much sadness. I have gone through another cycle with no pregnancy. It was hard, but I have worked so much out with God since last month that the intense pain of this negative did not last nearly as long. Along with all the exciting life change that is happening, I have very intense moments of sadness. Sometimes entire days. I will be talking with Steven about weather we like this house or that house, and then I remember that we don't have the fourth little member of our family with us and I just feel so sad. There is really nothing that makes the sadness go away. I have hope that I will see my baby again, but that doesn't take away the sadness that I feel right now. I don't have my baby with me right now, and that is just sad.
Yet, in all the sadness, God continues to draw me near to him in such rich ways. I believe he has given me the desire to make the most out of this time. Acts 17: 26-28 has been powerful for me today. I'm not going to type out the whole thing because I am just pecking away on a little iPad (I don't have access to a computer right now because of moving), but I will share my favorite part of the passage. It's "and He determined the times set for them and the exact places where they should live." (Vs 26) Ah! I can truly say with conviction that I LOVE the word of God. It brings calm to my soul like nothing else.
I would truly appreciate your prayers as I enter this next month. With everything that is going on, my anxiety has the potential to go through the roof. I am praying that The Lord would bless me with a calmness in faith, and being active for Him in my current waiting.
I thank you deeply for all the prayers you have already prayed. And I thank you for allowing me to feel so safe in asking for more prayer.
Blessings to you all,
Friday, May 3, 2013
Today is Levi's second birthday! He's two, and I cannot believe it! He is growing up so much and learning so much. Last night after we put him to bed, we heard him counting to three all by himself. When Steven got him out of bed this morning, He said "mommy", and then came to give me a big hug. He is such a sweet joy and a treasure. He is immeasurably more than I could have ever asked for or imagined. Thank you Jesus, for such a sweet and precious child!
I love you Levi!
Happy birthday little man!
Our precious,one day old Levi. Looking a little beat up from his long trip. I was in labor with him for almost four days.
So much personality
And the best smile
chubby little cutie
Love those beautiful eyes
This was during his funny, bald phase
He's still a messy eater
My tiny Christmas reindeer
First bite of cake at his first birthday party
Me, Levi, and Ezra
He was obsessed with brushing his teeth
Two zoo keepers and their little monkey
Wearing my boots
Being a dinosaur
Happy Birthday baby boy!
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Today, my sweet baby Ezra would have been five months old.
My precious Ezra. Isn't his little face just perfect?
This is a picture of Levi when he was five months old. When I came across it a few months ago I was struck by it, and I just knew in my heart that this is so much of what Ezra would look like if he were here. This picture to me doesn't look like a typical Levi face. It is just a little different somehow. It is comforting to think that God knew way back when I took this picture, that it would be a precious reminder of Ezra one day.
This morning I paused from my cleaning my kitchen to watch my husband and Levi playing together on the floor. They were laughing, playing and just loving each other so much. I wanted to pause and take in the joy of that moment, in effort to be thankful for each day, one moment at at time. As I watched, my laughter quickly turned into tears as i realized, with deep sadness, that we will never have moments like that here with Ezra, and the devastation washed over me. He is supposed to be here with his brother and his daddy. Growing, and learning, and playing with them.
The hardest thing about the anniversaries of my Ezra is that I have to face the fact that He is getting older. You see, I don't want him to get older. I want him to remain a tiny newborn in heaven until I get there, and then we can pick up right where we left off. I have faith that God can do that. Scripture says He is outside of our earthly constraints of time. With God, all things are possible. The time we are losing with Ezra on earth is so much of our grief since we know that he is alive in heaven. Although, when I am shedding pools of tears and feeling overwhelmed by the sting of death, the fact that He is alive in heaven doesn't make it hurt any less. I really don't think much about death part though. In fact, I normally refer to it as the "D" word. If I let myself go into that dark place where death reigns, it is unbearable. I try to only think of his life. How he simply skipped this world and went onto his eternal reward earlier than the rest of us.
I had a thought a few days ago that I want share with you. I was thinking about how parenthood here is one of the most amazing gifts, but it is not perfect. It can be really hard. Then I thought, what if God's reward in heaven for those who have lost children, is the gift of perfect parenthood? Wouldn't that be amazing?! We can watch our children grow and never have to deal with crazy toddler tantrums, or watch our children fall and get hurt, or watch people be unkind to them, and we would never have to watch them doubt or stray from God. I have no theological basis for this thought, I just like to dream about heaven. It is where everything will be made right. So maybe the things lost on earth, like getting to raise our baby Ezra, will come to fruition in heaven. Wouldn't that just be such a sweet form of restoration? Oh Lord, I pray that it's true!
On days like these, I need to remind my weary heart of this truth:
My baby Ezra is before the throne of God
My special baby serves God day and night in His temple;
And He who sits on the throne will shelter my baby with His presence.
Never again will Ezra hunger
Never again will Ezra thirst.
The sun will not beat upon him nor any scorching heat.
For the Lamb at the center of the throne is my baby's shepherd;
And God will lead him to springs of living water.
And God will wipe every tear from all of our eyes.
Revelation 7:15-17 paraphrased
And one day, I will get to join my baby.
One day, Lord. One day...