My thoughts on Ezra's five month birthday

Today, my sweet baby Ezra would have been five months old.

My precious Ezra. Isn't his little face just perfect?

This is a picture of Levi when he was five months old. When I came across it a few months ago I was struck by it, and I just knew in my heart that this is so much of what Ezra would look like if he were here. This picture to me doesn't look like a typical Levi face. It is just a little different somehow. It is comforting to think that God knew way back when I took this picture, that it would be a precious reminder of Ezra one day.

This morning I paused from my cleaning my kitchen to watch my husband and Levi playing together on the floor. They were laughing, playing and just loving each other so much. I wanted to pause and take in the joy of that moment, in effort to be thankful for each day, one moment at at time. As I watched, my laughter quickly turned into tears as i realized, with deep sadness, that we will never have moments like that here with Ezra, and the devastation washed over me. He is supposed to be here with his brother and his daddy. Growing, and learning, and playing with them.

The hardest thing about the anniversaries of my Ezra is that I have to face the fact that He is getting older. You see, I don't want him to get older. I want him to remain a tiny newborn in heaven until I get there, and then we can pick up right where we left off. I have faith that God can do that. Scripture says He is outside of our earthly constraints of time. With God, all things are possible. The time we are losing with Ezra on earth is so much of our grief since we know that he is alive in heaven. Although, when I am shedding pools of tears and feeling overwhelmed by the sting of death, the fact that He is alive in heaven doesn't make it hurt any less. I really don't think much about death part though. In fact, I normally refer to it as the "D" word. If I let myself go into that dark place where death reigns, it is unbearable. I try to only think of his life. How he simply skipped this world and went onto his eternal reward earlier than the rest of us.

I had a thought a few days ago that I want share with you. I was thinking about how parenthood here is one of the most amazing gifts, but it is not perfect. It can be really hard. Then I thought, what if God's reward in heaven for those who have lost children, is the gift of perfect parenthood? Wouldn't that be amazing?! We can watch our children grow and never have to deal with crazy toddler tantrums, or watch our children fall and get hurt, or watch people be unkind to them, and we would never have to watch them doubt or stray from God. I have no theological basis for this thought, I just like to dream about heaven. It is where everything will be made right. So maybe the things lost on earth, like getting to raise our baby Ezra, will come to fruition in heaven. Wouldn't that just be such a sweet form of restoration? Oh Lord, I pray that it's true!

On days like these, I need to remind my weary heart of this truth:

My baby Ezra is before the throne of God

 My special baby serves God day and night in His temple;

 And He who sits on the throne will shelter my baby with His presence.

 Never again will Ezra hunger

 Never again will Ezra thirst.

 The sun will not beat upon him nor any scorching heat.

 For the Lamb at the center of the throne is my baby's shepherd;

 And God will lead him to springs of living water.

 And God will wipe every tear from all of our eyes.

Revelation 7:15-17 paraphrased


And one day, I will get to join my baby.
One day, Lord. One day...