Thursday, January 31, 2013

Grief in motion

Here I sit.
Almost two months later.

Has it really been two months?

 I can't bring myself to fold the laundry I washed yesterday. I can barely get through putting my son, Levi, down for a nap before I retreat to my room to sob. I still have yet to get all the way through cleaning my kitchen. My sweet husband comes home from work and finishes the job that I could not complete. I leave very important words out of sentences when I write, so I'm sorry if that has happened in this post. Much to parent magazine’s dismay, I have put Levi in front of the TV more than usual because I simply do not have the emotional strength to entertain him.  The other day someone asked me for my phone number and I could not remember it. MY phone number! My husband ended up having to help me and tell me the first 3 digits before I remembered.

 I have heard from books and friends that this is all normal and this is what grief does to a person, but I feel so abnormal. This isn’t me. (Okay, maybe the laundry thing is usually true.)

This can’t be true.

But it is true. This is what the Lord Jesus meant when He said “In this world you will have trouble.” (John 16:33) But I have to remember, He goes on to say “But take heart!” ( You can get the sense He is excited to share this with us.)   “I have overcome the world.” He says.

Ah, yes. He has overcome! He has overcome the ultimate grief of death. And my little Ezra is not really gone. He is very much alive! And He is loving every second of his life in heaven.  And I get to join him one day. One day I will feel all of the pure joy that he is feeling. I will see all of the wonders that he is seeing.

And all because Christ has overcome!

I do not know how to get through this grief. I do not know where it will take me next, but Jesus knows.

“Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.”- Jeremiah 33:3

I can rest in that, Lord. I can rest in that.


My Special Baby

My special baby is before the throne of God

 My special baby serves God day and night in His temple;

 And He who sits on the throne will shelter my baby with His presence.

 Never again will Ezra hunger

 Never again will Ezra thirst.

 The sun will not beat upon him nor any scorching heat.

 For the Lamb at the center of the throne is my baby's shepherd;

 And God will lead him to springs of living water.

 And God will wipe every tear from all of our eyes.

Revelation 7:15-17 paraphrased
Thank you Lord for the beautiful gift of your word

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

The weeping and the wailing

As I mourn the loss of time on this earth with my precious son, I find myself crying “no, no” over and over again. I am still in shock that I do not get to keep him

God be near

Unrecognizable groans and wails escape from my mouth that I do not know to be my own.  All I want is my baby.

Lord, hold me

I shake with agony and raw pain and hurt. My heart feels a physical heaviness. Will I ever be whole again?

Jesus, restore my soul

When the fog of grief begins to clear and I can conceive a thought besides the emotion that I am feeling, I remember your word.

God help me to open it. Give me the strength to sit up and search your holy book for the truths my weary soul longs for.

I fumble through pages, desperate for a verse that will give me hope. It is a struggle to even know where to begin. Finally;

“The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him and I am helped “-Psalm 28:7

It’s so simple.

Lord, help me trust you                                        

“Surely our griefs He Himself bore, and our sorrows He carried” – Isaiah 53:4

I remember you have carried not only my sins to the cross, but also my grief and my sorrow.

Jesus, do not let this pain consume me.

“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal” – 1 Corinthians 4:16-18

I know I will see my sweet Ezra again. This is not the end. The best is yet to come.

God, let me fix my eyes on you and know this world is temporary. Engrave the promise of eternity deeply in to the fibers of my weary heart

Holy spirit, lift me up

God of mercy, hold my hand