Here I sit.
Almost two months later.
Has it really been two months?
I can't bring myself to fold the laundry I washed yesterday. I can barely get through putting my son, Levi, down for a nap before I retreat to my room to sob. I still have yet to get all the way through cleaning my kitchen. My sweet husband comes home from work and finishes the job that I could not complete. I leave very important words out of sentences when I write, so I'm sorry if that has happened in this post. Much to parent magazine’s dismay, I have put Levi in front of the TV more than usual because I simply do not have the emotional strength to entertain him. The other day someone asked me for my phone number and I could not remember it. MY phone number! My husband ended up having to help me and tell me the first 3 digits before I remembered.
I have heard from books and friends that this is all normal and this is what grief does to a person, but I feel so abnormal. This isn’t me. (Okay, maybe the laundry thing is usually true.)
This can’t be true.
But it is true. This is what the Lord Jesus meant when He said “In this world you will have trouble.” (John 16:33) But I have to remember, He goes on to say “But take heart!” ( You can get the sense He is excited to share this with us.) “I have overcome the world.” He says.
Ah, yes. He has overcome! He has overcome the ultimate grief of death. And my little Ezra is not really gone. He is very much alive! And He is loving every second of his life in heaven. And I get to join him one day. One day I will feel all of the pure joy that he is feeling. I will see all of the wonders that he is seeing.
And all because Christ has overcome!
I do not know how to get through this grief. I do not know where it will take me next, but Jesus knows.
“Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.”- Jeremiah 33:3
I can rest in that, Lord. I can rest in that.