The unreal in reality

Everything within me wants to believe this isn't real sometimes.

I shake my head in disbelief.

I sit in shock.

I live in pain.

How did I go through 37 weeks of a perfect pregnancy, and now, have no baby to hold, and kiss, and love?

I don't have my sweet Ezra.

My baby, I want you here.

I miss you.

How did this happen to me?

Lord, help me. Show me your love. Show me your grace. Show me your peace.

A line from an Advent hymn, Let all Mortal Flesh Keep Silence, comes to mind.

"Ponder nothing earthly minded."

Yes, Jesus. Let me fix the eyes of my heart on you. Let me set my mind on the things above.

I remember what a dear man, Jerry Bridges, preached about this Sunday at my church. He talked about being heavenly minded. He began with Colossians 3:1-4

"Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. ² Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. ³ For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. ⁴ When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory."

He said we will be seeking heavenly mindedness if we seek God's glory. Yes, God's glory! That is what Ezra is basking in the light of at this very moment.

God, I want to know the riches of knowing you and your incredible glory.

He also said that if we are seeking heavenly mindedness, we will seek to do the will of God. This one is hard, because God's will is often different from my will. I will not always want the things that God wills in His perfect plan. But I can trust that it is perfect. I can trust that what He has planned is for my good. His sovereign will is always for His glory and for the good of his people.

As insane as it may sound to say, I can already see some of the good that God has been working in the midst of my suffering. And that is, that I am constantly aware of my dependence upon Him.  And that brings Him glory! I am in desperate need of knowing Him. And knowing Him is part of the godly life I desire. And here's the thing that makes all of this okay.

 I can barely whisper the words.

It is that, God knows this is ultimately a good thing. Ezra is in glory! In the arms of Jesus. He is in an absolutely perfect place. What better thing could a mommy want for her baby? And someday, a day that scripture tells us will come as quickly as the blink of an eye, I will get to be in glory with him.

What I mourn is the loss of time spent on earth with my baby. And I know that my life here on earth is not the end. I can praise God that, right now, Ezra is experiencing more joy than my earthly mind can imagine.

But perhaps, as I continue to seek to know God and seek to do the will of God, I will become more heavenly minded.

And perhaps then, I will be more able to imagine the glory my sweet baby is experiencing.

I look at Ezra's sweet little face, and I still miss him.

It hurts.

I want to curl up in the fetal position on my couch and sob. And sometimes, I do.

Even as I type these words, I am experiencing one of those intense moments, where it all feels so unreal. In this moment, it sounds reasonable to me that I could wake up tomorrow, and realize this has all been a horrible dream. And I would feel a "good morning kick" from Ezra.

But my suffering is reality.

And in the midst of my pain I have to remember, this is just for now. I have only lost time on earth with my baby. Ezra and I are citizens of heaven. He will just have heaven before I do.

And then one day, I will reach my eternal home.

Then I will hug him. Hold him. Kiss him.

That day will come!

And then, heaven will be my reality.

Father God, carry me close to your heart until that glorious day arrives.

Help of the helpless, abide with me.




"He tends his flock like a shepherd:
He gathers the lambs in his arms
and carries them close to his heart;
he gently leads those that have young."

-Isaiah 40:11