Created of the Creator

This picture was taken just moments after Ezra was born. I am so thankful this precious moment was captured.

When we put Levi to bed, he always gives Ezra's picture a kiss. We have a little bible story book and we keep a copy of the memorial folder from Ezra's funeral in there for Levi to kiss. It has one of my favorite pictures of my little Ezra on the front. Every once in a while, Levi will want us to read the inside. We normally just read the bibles verse that are printed in the folder, but that night I started reading at the top;

In memory of 

Ezra Shepherd Sweat

Born into the hearts of Steven, Emma, and Levi Sweat

December 2nd, 2012

I looked down a little further, but did not read out loud;

Casket Bearer

Steven Sweat, Father

As I held Levi, the word, casket bearer, rang loudly in my ears. 

That casket was so tiny.

God, why is this something that is in my life?!

Tiny caskets should never have been made! They should have no reason to be made!

It hurts. And it hurts with an insane amount of force.

Why? Oh God, why?

Why it happened is something that cannot be understood by my weary, human heart.

I feel angry.

I feel stricken.

I feel confused.

I feel disappointed.

I feel crazy amounts of fear.

I feel everything and nothing at the same time.

I feel sometimes as though I am falling down an endless, dark hole.

 I am the created of the Creator. Jesus, help me.

There is not much that soothes in these moments, but there are things that calm the rage of emotions inside.

And this is one of them: Created of the Creator.

This phrase has been what the Spirit brings to mind, and it has brought me a sense of calm.

It sets my perspective. 

It sets things right. 

It makes the eternal perspective a little bit clearer.
It helps slow the spinning of my mind.

My emotions are still going full force, but the clouds begin to clear in my mind.
But it still hurts.

I have to pick up the pieces of my heart that just broke all over again, and choose to go on. It is so tiring to chose to go on over and over again, fighting through incredible pain each day.
I have never been more exhausted.
I have never been so challenged.

I need to just be able to hold onto the perspective of heaven. That it is our true home. Ezra went home, to be with the Father. Just as Jesus did after the resurrection. But it is so hard to hold onto that truth while I am still in the world. It is like living constantly in cloud covered days with no sunshine, and you just have to believe that there is a sun. Every once in a while the sun will peak through and shine a beam of light in the fog, and you are given assurance that the sun really exists. But then it goes away and you are in cloud and fog again and you have to remember, no matter what you are feeling, that there is a sun.

I have to force myself to cling to verses like these:

Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel. And afterward you will take me into glory. My heart and my flesh may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. 
Psalm 73: 23,24,26

Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him.
Lamentations 3:23&25

If they obey and serve Him, they will spend the rest of their days in prosperity and their years in contentment.
Job 36:11

No matter how exhausting and challenging it is to choose to trust and hope in my God over and over again, I have to believe He will be good to me. He will reward my perseverance through this dark time.

Lord, you are good, and what you do is good (Psalm 119:68). I have to believe that. Help me believe that. Somehow, this is good. I am both your daughter and your servant, created of the Creator. Please take me in your arms now, and help me to trust you.