God, help me.

I had a song on in the car on the way home from target today and found that it was exactly what my heart was feeling. It is so comforting, calming, to hear that others have felt the same emotions you have. I have been a little scared these past few days as I have struggled with feeling so hurt by God's decision to not give me another baby within a year of Ezra's birth. I had prayed for this ever since we got home from the hospital. I felt very angry with Him, and I still am working through those feelings. But as my emotions raged and my heart began to worry about my faith, I realized that the reason I am so angry about this is because I believe God is all powerful and in control of everything. Obviously, I'm not doing the best job of bowing to that all powerful rule. It is hard to accept that a decision that hurts me so much can be for my good. And I suppose that is what I am still working on: believing that this decision of God's really is good. Somehow, it really is what is best for me. Because all I feel is hurt. And intense pain can make your vision that was once clear, very clouded. But just because the vision was clear once, doesn't mean that it will always be clear. And just because it's clouded now, doesn't mean that it will always be clouded.
But right now, I have no emotion left to pour a heartfelt prayer before the Lord.
I have no strength to lift my hands and praise Him for my salvation.
Although I know He is my salvation.
I have no energy to work through letting go of my desires enough to give them over to God.
All I can do right now is say "God, help me."
And that is all He requires.
Me, realizing that I have nothing within me.
Me, realizing that apart from Him, I have no good thing.
I have resigned to the fact my prayers don't need to explore every depth of my heart right now. I can just ask God to help me, and the same amount of supernatural power will come to my aid. And right now, I really have to remind myself why. It's because He loves me. His actions right now don't feel like love, but it is love. I wish I knew how.
But it is love.
I know I am not losing my faith. What I am, is struggling to see God clearly through my pain. I still know what is true about God and I still believe. It is my intense belief in his good and all-powerful nature that makes accepting this so hard.
But I know that if He helps me, I can.
He can.
And so I am thankful for psalms and songs that can help our grieving brains put a prayer together. And this is mine.

Lord,

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

Help me.

Why are you cast down, O my soul,

and why such turmoil within me?

Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,

my salvation and my God.

(Psalm 42:5&6)

God, please help me.

Amen

And now, I want to leave you with the song that explained my heart so well today. It's "Worn" by Tenth Avenue North.