Pulling weeds

Why is it so hard to give our desires over to God and feel like our heart has really let go?
Our knuckles are white from the tension of holding on too tightly to the things we desire. I have been learning lately (my entire life actually) that giving a desire over to God is not a one time thing. Why do I always think that it is? If I really saw how strongly that desire had a hold on my heart, I would see that it needs daily attention. I need to come back each day, to check, and make sure that little monster is really gone and hasn't come back to wreck havoc on my desire to follow God's plan for me.

I love this image because the women is
bent over, working in her garden ,
and  yet she looks so peaceful. I gives me
peace to think of this image
as I go to "pull weeds" with God each day.

As Christians, we often talk about our sin nature. Sin, within nature makes me think of a weed. You can work and toil to pull every last one out of the ground, and at the end of the day your garden looks beautiful. But any good gardener knows that these weeds are not gone forever. They will surely come back. They might look different, or they might be the very same weed that you worked so hard to get rid of in the first place.
Sin nature.
It is continual.
And thus, the weeding should be continual and done on a daily basis.
Maybe some of this seems elementary to you. I have "known" this stuff all my life. But now it is starting to really click in my brain. I have the "aha" feeling.
I realize that my brain can operate in such a black and white fashion when it comes to God. I really have thought, for a great deal of my life, that I can simply give a desire over to God in one single act, and it's done. Now, I must say one thing that is done in that single act, is God's forgiveness. He doesn't hold our sin against us. It is a far as the east is from the west and He remembers it no more. But my finite brain must remember that the pull toward sin within me is not yet done. He calls us to put on the armor of God every day. We don't put it on once and wear it forever. Since it is intangible, our human brains forget that we have it, and so we must put it on the next day. We must accept our weakness. Our eyes can be so opened to what God wants to teach us when we are aware of our weakness. And my goodness, I have never been more aware of my weakness in my life!
The reason I am stewing on all of this is because a dear friend of mine gently pushed me towards giving God my desire to have my babies close together in age. I know in my heart that this is a good desire, but by being so attached to the desire instead of God, I am setting myself up for a huge, emotional crash every month because there might be a negative pregnancy test. I am creating so much anxiety and tension by holding on tightly that I quickly spiral into hopelessness and depression when God doesn't give me the answer I desire. The truth is, I would really like it if God would listen to my plan about when I want to have another baby. But He calls me to His good plan, and so I will try to give that desire over to Him. I can see the peace and calm that God can give me on the other side, and I want that. I want be with Him.
Trusting that He will give me the faith to get through the waiting.
Trusting that He will give me peace in knowing that His plan really is the very best for me.
Trusting that even though it can be painful to give over my hearts desires to His control, I am safe in his arms.
Trusting that it all makes sense in His glorious, omniscient purpose for my life.
My heart has a strong bond to the idea of wanting Levi to have a brother or sister who is close to him in age, and I realized that there is no way I could give this desire over to God just once. I have to break that bond down, and I can do that by giving that desire over to God and His control everyday. Over and over and over again. You've heard of the phrase "kill them with kindness"? My hope is that, with God's help, I can break down this bond by killing it with obedience.

My soul finds rest in God alone;

My salvation comes from Him.

He alone is my rock and my salvation;

He is my fortress,

I will never be shaken.

Psalm 62:1-2

God,

Will you help me "pull out the weeds" in my heart faithfully each day. Will you garden alongside me, so that my heart blossoms in beauty and bears much fruit for you?

In Jesus name,

Amen