Rain and tears
God, have we not endured enough pain already?
Why do you bring more?
I prayed and you did not answer me,
I have no verses that readily come to mind in this pain,
Only the hurt of feeling so bitterly disappointed.
Why do you keep a baby from me?
What could your good plan possibly be?
Oh, would you make me wise so that I know why and my pain might be relieved?
Why do I see others given this gift constantly, and easily
And not only did you take it from me when I was so close to receiving it,
But you are keeping me from it still.
Why do I see others given the gift of children close in age,
While the gap between the children I could have on earth is ever widening?
Why God, would you give me a heart for children
Only to take them away from me, and withhold them?
How is this good?
How could this possibly be good?
Can I still believe you are good?
I can't be strong anymore, God.
Not through this.
I have no faith of my own.
I need you to give it to me.
I need you to come and lift my completely weary and limp body.
I have no energy to come to you on my own.
I need to you to come rescue me now.
Make my heart desire you and not be angry with you.
Cause me to see you, for my eyes grow clouded over with doubt and pain.
I can offer nothing.
Nothing.
All I can bring is me and beg you to change me, and calm the raging storm in my heart.
I know I can trust you, but it doesn't feel like I can.
Change me.
Change my heart.
Give me the faith that I could not possible find on my own in this unanswered prayer.
Help me to continue to pray.
Help me to believe again.
Help me believe that you want to bless me,
That you care for me.
It is hard to feel cared for when your decisions bring me unspeakable amounts of pain.
Bring Spring, and please bring me a baby with it!
Help me believe that you can answer prayer with a yes.
I have prayed that God would let us have a baby within a year of Ezra's birth ever since we got home from the hospital. And I have prayed this prayer fervently. We have a little newborn sleeper that we got for Ezra, and I prayed that God would fill that sleeper with a precious baby for next years Christmas. If I had gotten pregnant this month, we could have had another baby by Christmas like we would have with Ezra. We could have had that baby around the special time that Ezra was born, and that would have brought so much healing for me. Now the only way that would be possible is if I got pregnant next month and that baby came very early. Almost four weeks early. I'm not going to pray for something scary like that. My dream is gone. I became very vulnerable to God in asking him for such a specific prayer. Knowing the answer is no to this month, brings more pain than I thought it could. I can't help but doubt. I can't help but feel very hurt and angry over this "no". I can't help but be completely stumped over how this could possibly be a good plan. I feel so hurt to have my dreams dashed again. And I don't feel like I can have hope for next month. Would you pray with me? Ask God to give me faith, hope, and trust again. And please, beg him to give us another baby next month.
I was hesitant to share my hurt and anger here because I want this to be a place of healing for others. But this is real. Pain is part of healing. It is a part that makes no sense now, but maybe it will later.
I am so sorry Emma. I have been praying fervently for you ... I'm so sorry the answer is no. Praying peace and a little sunshine in the midst of pain <3
ReplyDeleteEmma,
ReplyDeleteYou don't know me, but somehow I have been following your blog. I read this and my mind immediately went back to last Fall, when I was begging God for the same thing...and His answer was No until the 4th month after our 1st baby girl died at 2 days old. I am 6 months pregnant now, and I like you desperately wanted a baby in my arms before we had to "celebrate" her 1st birthday. I was very angry that 3rd month...but God really really did a work in my heart and helped me release my desires and anger and expectations... I could go on, but I won't. It's just such a difficult time and I am praying for you right now. I know exactly how you feel. I know God has such a perfect plan...and I know now that His timing is so good.
<3
Emma,
ReplyDeleteI was so angry at God when my first daughter died the day she was born, and desperately wanted to get pregnant again as soon as possible. It was almost 6 long months before I found out I was pregnant with Kelsey. When I look back on those painful months, I marvel at the work God did in me. Now I see that it was a time when God's hand was heavy upon me as He taught me to trust Him and wait on His perfect timing for our family. I'll never forget the peace I felt when I decided that even if He never gave me another child, I could be happy with just Him. He helped me to give up MY plan for our family and accept His, whatever it may be.
I will continue to pray for you, Emma. I will continue to stand in the gap during these painful times, and rejoice in knowing that He loves you so.
Emma,
ReplyDeleteI don't know you but I am a friend of Maureen Crawford's. I have never experienced the loss of a child or even wanting a child so badly and at a specific time. I do have a three-year old who is amazing and honestly I can not fathom why God would give me such a gift and yet others yearn for that same gift.
I have however experienced wanting SOMETHING from God so badly that my inner-being would not be the same if I didn't receive it and at the time that I would have wanted it. I watched others being blessed with that same gift and I questioned God's reasoning behind it all. What I do know is that in that situation, when time passed and I had not "heard" from God I quickly concluded that the answer to my prayer was indeed "no". Oh, we of little faith think in such black and white terms and we forget that God has yet another answer that he also gives and that is "wait"! See, you are right in knowing that all things work together for the good of those who love the Lord and who are called according to his purpose. For those he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be firstborn among many brothers and sisters. And those he predestined, he also called, those he called he also justified, those he justified, he also glorified. Romans 8:28-30 What if our Lord Jesus Christ would have assumed that God had said "no" after his first night or even second night in the tomb? God calls us not only to trust that He CAN do it but that that he WILL do it for us! He calls us to be steadfast and unmovable in our faith (it is sooooo hard). You are doing the right thing by calling on him to simply "help you" when you can't pray any longer. God knows that we have periods of doubt and questions and it is OKAY to ask him to help our unbelief!
So I can not understand your exact feelings but I have experienced God in a similar way. He is The same yesterday, today, and forever more! I will be praying for you and your family for God's peace in your hearts and whatever else that you need!
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, WITH THANKSGIVING, present your requests to God. And His peace which transcends ALL understanding , will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7
May God Bless and Keep you and your family Emma!