An incredible love

Someone once told me, in the midst of intense grief, that they will be praying for me as I endure God’s discipline.

God's discipline? Honestly, I had never put that much thought into it and it seemed like on of those mysterious qualities about God that was "too much" to try and figure out. But this I did know, discipline sounded a lot like punishment.

Ever since then, these thoughts have nagged in the back of my head.

If this is God’s discipline, then I must have really needed some straightening out….So this must be the result of something I  did or did not do…What did I do that needed such extreme punishment?...I know the bible speaks of discipline, is this really how God works?

And you can imagine the guilt.

Obviously, my mind could not separate the word discipline, from the word  punishment. I had been taught that the discipline talked about in Hebrews is not punishment, but rather training. The passage even tells you that God disciplines those He loves.

But the words discipline and punishment were just too closely linked in my mind, despite my knowledge of what was true, I could not separate them. God began to look like a God who frowns down upon me from heaven, punishing me for the wrongs I could not seem to get right. And I felt mounting guilt about my imperfectness. Especially when it seemed possible that my imperfections could require such an extreme punishment as losing a child. Could this really be how it worked? My knowledge of God was clouded over with hurt and pain. Having those unanswered questions about discipline rolling around inside of me left my heart feeling so unsettled.

And so, the questions remained, eating away at my soul for weeks; Did I lose Ezra as a consequence for my sins in the past?

But, thank the Lord, all of that confusion and hurt was washed away this last week, and I am so excited to tell you about it!

In talking with my amazing husband about all of these questions one night, i let my guard down, dug deep, and really went to the heart of my questions which i had not yet said out loud to myself. I believe it took me a while to verbalize these questions because I knew they sounded wrong, but my heart longed to work this through. Was losing Ezra a form of discipline for my past sin? And through my sweet husband who is so patient to always listen to me, Jesus opened my eyes to the answer to my question.

Are you ready?

This is exactly how I wrote it in my journal...

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 There is NO consequence for my sin, because Christ took every possible punishment for my sin on the cross!

What freedom I felt in that moment that Jesus turned the light on in my heart!

It should have been obvious, but God graciously timed this answer just right.

God had me on this road of seeking the answer to painful questions for a reason.

 I now know that losing life with Ezra on this earth could not possibly be a consequence of my sin, because Christ already took that punishment a long time ago! Thank you Jesus!

 I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that my sin is completely removed from my identity , as far as the east is from the west.

I know with all my heart that my sin is infinitely separated from me and I have complete freedom  from the punishments I deserve.

I know this truth now all the way down to my toes, and in a way I never have known it before.

Sweet freedom is mine in Christ and I can feel it! True freedom from all guilt and shame. And I see now with my identity securely in Christ, that God wants to bless me as much as He wants to bless His own son because that is who He sees when He looks at me.

At first, I must admit,  I did feel a little silly that I didn't understand the answer to my question was Jesus dying for me on the cross. That is the sunday school answer right? And I have been going to church all my life, shouldn't I have known that from the start? But now that I have processed these thoughts more, I am SO thankful that I didn't know the answer right away. This may sound harsh, but feeling, for a time, that the loss of Ezra could have been a consequence of my sin allowed me to fully and completely feel the freedom that I know I have because Jesus took every possible punishment for me on the cross. As I was talking with a dear friend of mine the other day, we identified that until we experienced grief in our lives we had no idea how much we needed the cross. It was a "basic" that we assumed we had already understood. And perhaps we did in our heads, but in these dark times of sadness, Jesus gave us the gift of understanding in our very souls.  I have experienced this gift now in a way I never could have before, and on such a deep level. What better doctrine to understand so deeply? I have a renewed sense of EVERYTHING Christ's sacrifice means for me. I know in the deep recesses of my soul now, that there is nothing I can do or add to Christ paying the penalty for my sin. Before I was acting as if Jesus, plus me really pursuing him, equaled everything that i needed. Now I know that Jesus, plus nothing, equals everything I will ever need. 

Thank you Jesus for such a gift!

Oh the deep deep love of Jesus

My defender

My mediator

You are God with us

Thank you for your love

Jesus, thank you for your love

I came across this verse that very day I was talking with my husband and I want to let it sink deeply into my heart.

“He who did not spare his own son, but gave him up for us all - how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? "

Romans 8:32

As I meditated on this verse I realized that I now have new insights into this deep description of God's love, because I too know the pain of experiencing the death of a son. I can only imagine the deeper pains of having to consciously choose to give up your own son. To choose to crush him.

I can't even imagine choosing to give up Ezra, let alone, choose the most painful way in which he could experience death.

I wanted to continue to enter into the pain that our Father experienced, and I found a vast love. I looked up the word crush and it's meaning. To crush means to break, pound, or grind into small fragments, to put down, subdue, to overwhelm or oppress severely, to extract or obtain by squeezing or pressing.

What caught me off guard in these definitions was to extract or obtain by squeezing or pressing. What i felt God make clear to me after that still gives me goosebumps;Our Father obtained freedom from punishment for us by pressing the weight of His wrath on His son, to the point of death. And Jesus loved us so deeply that He was willing to endure this crushing that extracted our life and freedom from sin and death. Think of the love that are found in those words. A love that is personal, and specifically for you. The love of Jesus.

Oh the deep, deep love of Jesus!
How great, how vast, how incredibly wide is His love for us!
For it was not the nails that keep him on the that tree, it was love.

It was incredible love.