Inner turmoil

My life has felt like a bit of a mess lately.
I feel like I am just swimming in the aftermath of losing Ezra.
I feel as if I have moved on from the insanely intense grief into that strange place I wrote about in my last post, where grief, and joy, and fear are all mixed together. Based on these past few weeks, I would also add doubts and confused anger to that mix. It's not a full out wanting-to-punch-holes-in-the-wall type of anger, but a confused, hurt type of anger that leaves me asking God the hard questions.
"Was this something I did?"
"Why did it have to be this?"
"If I had been more faithful to you before Ezra was born, would that have changed things?"
"How is it that you can really love me and let something like this happen?"
They are really hard questions, but I am determined not to run away from them. Left unanswered or not thoroughly worked through, I believe theses questions could be so damaging to me in the future. But don't worry, I am not going this alone. I have some amazing people helping me through these questions.

But let me pause from the drama for a moment to say that my life is not a complete mess. I am still really loving it, and loving Levi. He is so fun right now! For instance, as I write this He is currently laying on the floor at my feet, playing with dinosaurs, and making really lame roaring noises for them since he is only two. They are the cutest little "roars" I have ever heard! I love it! I have just been intentionally soaking up these moments. He now has decided he wants to watch Dora, and after I suggested that we wait a little while on that, he starting having two year old conversation with his dinosaur.
Levi- "Dinosaur watch Dora?"
Dinosaur- "Yes sir!"
And this went on for quite a while. I love to just stop and watch. Sadly, It takes a little more discipline than I think it should, but it is so, so worth it. I have the most fun just watching Levi play.

But now back to my inner turmoil, I have also realized that I have some imprinting from my past that has affected my view of God and who He is. For example, I often picture God looking down upon me from heaven, and I rarely picture Him right next to me, literally with me. When I dig deep, I realize that I believe that God is either pleased or displeased with me based on my performance before Him. I don't doubt my salvation, but I act as if what I do can change his love toward me. For me, the "performance" mostly looks the time I spend with Him. (ie: including Him in my life, reading the bible, praying, "quite times".) When I know I haven't been doing these things, i sense that God is disappointed in me. Looking down from heaven, and frowning. My eyes have been opened to see that these images not true, they are created and derived from imperfect people and hurt from my past. I believe He has grace and perfect love for others, but if I am honest I do not always believe that He really has grace and perfect love for me. These are hard things to work through, but I feel as if i can share them here. I want to share these things here because if any of you have been hiding some of these feelings in the dark, feeling too afraid to bring them into the light, I want you to know that you are not alone. In fact, I think everyone has had their view of God tainted in some way. We live in an imperfect world, surrounded by imperfect people and left to our own means a perfect God makes no sense to us. We try and reason with our earthly minds and what we know of earthly love, which is why we can get so misconstrued. But, as I have learned deeply this past year, the only way we can truly begin to understand God's perfectness is by His transforming and renewing of our minds.

"Nothing in my hands I bring,

simply to the cross I cling"

And as I have beat myself up, feeling so much like a disappointment to God, He gave me this verse. I came across it when reading "Jesus Calling", moments after I had just poured my heart out to the Lord, telling him how much of a disappointment I can feel like before Him. Fearing His answer, this was the very first verse that I read in my devotional;

"I sought the Lord, and he answered me;

he delivered me from all my fears.

Those who look to him are radiant;

their faces are never covered in shame."

Psalm 34:4&5

He gently tells me;

 My Child, I see you as radiant before me. Because i live in you, your desires are for me, and with that I am very pleased. You will not be perfect. You will stumble, and sometimes you will fall, but I will always be there to pick you up again. You need never cling to your shame, but in exchange, cling to me and I will take your shame,  for I see you in the perfect light of my perfect son. My Child, you are not a disappointment, you are radiant. 

More to come soon on this road to healing...