Mercies

The shock continues to come in waves.

It seeps slowly into my body and then rocks me to the core at the most unexpected times.

The peace comes and goes, and I can't seem to hang on to it.

Reality ebbs and flows, and I feel as if I am viewing my life from the outside looking in.

Again. The life of our child is being seriously threatened by a rare condition again.

The world continues to turn. Full of happy, care free people, and here I sit. Weeping, with my heart in my hands willing it to keep beating. Facing a road laced with fear and pain, again.

Sometimes it feels as if a stiff wind constantly blows a chill into my bones, because it is so rare to feel at rest.

Every morning I wake up and face this nightmare anew.

Could we really be facing the loss of a child again?

There is a chance that we could be, and a chance is enough.

But every morning his mercies are new. I know they are there, but I can barely feel them. I know they exist, but I can't see them.

Pour them on me now God. Wash me with mercy and wash me with peace. Wash away my pain and anxiety with your great, unsearchable love. Reveal to me the things that I do not know. Give me the strength that I do not have.

Let me embrace every little move that my sweet baby makes with joy, as I could before this great trial of my faith. Let me love feeling his kicks with all of my heart. Allow me to cherish every single second of his life in my womb. Let me have a love for him with no boundaries, and no hesitation that it might produce more pain. Let me love recklessly, without fear.

Take away my fear, even though reality makes it seem so reasonable. Remove me from the land of "what if" and place me back in your kingdom, where peace rules and reigns my heart. Let your truths move in so that fear has no place, and it must leave. Let hope blossom in my heart, without hesitation. Let me lean on you in trusting dependance that you will complete me with your perfect peace.

Will you do these things for me father? My strength is dwindling down to practically nothing, and I need to be lifted by strong hands.

Let me believe in your goodness. Help me believe that you have more than just trials for me in this time. Help me believe that you have blessings too. A life that brings joy. An answered prayer that breathes life back into my heart.

I can feel you beckoning me from this sea of sorrow and into your streams of living water.

I can hear you call me by name, telling me that I am yours. Both precious and dearly loved.

Go before me, and make my path smooth.

Turn the darkness into light.

Turn my mourning into dancing.

Though I know he is yours, please God, give me my baby.