The Battle

I wrote this before we got the news of Asa's heart condition. It stemmed from feeling so torn between wanting to enjoy God and spend time there, but feeling such a pull and a draw to worldly pastimes and pleasure. I recognize that most worldly pastimes (depending on what they are) are not inherently bad, but when I feel their pull more strongly than the pull of the Holy Spirit, those pastimes do become damaging to my soul. When we lost Ezra, all my heart wanted to focus on were things of eternal value, but as the pain has become a less stinging, I find myself drifting back far to easily to desires of the world more than the things of eternal value. The struggle between these two desires feels like a battle, and so I felt inspired to write about it.

The Battle

There is a battle that goes on in my heart.

Waging war against joy.

I fight for my peace, and He fights alongside me. He holds all of the power in His hands.

I will be a victor. I am a victor.

I stray from Him, and wander off toward a rose colored world that beckons me to come and enjoy it's pleasures.

The rosy place is filled with enchanting music that, for a moment, makes me forget about the battle.

Feelings of happiness are instant and ever within my grasp.

From this place, I strain to see Him. I can see him, still fighting, in the distance.

My life goes on for minutes, then hours, then days, as I allow the loves that surround me here to aid in forgetting about Him and the battle that He is fighting for me at this very minute.

These loves bring me happiness, but only for a fleeting moment. A split second in the span of eternity.

I notice how cold this new place is, and the music grows to haunt me. There is no place for me to lay my head and rest. There is no place that I feel safe.

I long for Him, but my mind has forgotten how to remember Him in the light of the rosy hue that surrounds me in this world. It is a fog that seeps into my mind and blurs my vision.

Then I remember, He promised He would never stop fighting for me.

He promised that He would always come after me.

He told me that I was His love and His bride.

He is coming for me.

As these thoughts sink into my heart, the rosy haze begins to lift.

I can see Him.

And He shines as clearly as a crisp blue stream in the sunshine.

He scoops me up into His warmth.

And I relax into His arms, soft and deep.

I realize how small I am there.

Just like a child being held by her father.

Just like a little lamb being carried by her shepherd.

As the noises from the rosy place grow faint, the sound of His heart grows stronger.

I focus my mind on the rhythm of His heartbeat, and I take a deep breath, resting deeply in His love.