Asa update 2/11/2014

We got up bright and early this morning for an appointment at Children's Mercy at eight am. I had just risen from a full night of sleep (amazingly, with only one midnight trip to relieve my extremely squished bladder), and I was feeling good. During breakfast Steven prayed for our meal and thanked God that baby Asa is doing so well and that he is still here with us. I then realized that I hadn't felt him move for the 30 minutes we had been awake, but I knew I had felt him during the night so I wasn't too worried. I jostled my belly around a little to wake him up and see if he would move. He didn't. I tried again a few minutes later and he still didn't move. At this point I was getting nervous because he normally responds to some jiggling. We left for the hospital to go to our scheduled appointment, and during the entire walk up to fetal health and during my short time in the waiting room, he still hadn't moved or responded to my jiggling. I was feeling very nervous. Rapid heart rate, dry mouth... the whole nine yards. When I finally got into the dimly lit room, the sonographer was aware of my worries and we listened to his heartbeat right away. It was beating at 135 beats per minute, and it was the most beautiful sound I had ever heard! Praise the Lord!

My worries that Asa was not alive had disappeared now, but I was not completely at rest. He was sound asleep and would not wake up! I rolled on my side and he eventually gave us a few little movements and the sonographer noted his practice breathing that they require for him to pass his little test. Feeling a little better I rolled onto my back again and he finally gave me a few good "Asa" kicks. But I wanted to be more assured. I wasn't at rest yet. When we went to look at his face with the 3D imaging, I said a little prayer that God would give me more assurance of his well-being by seeing his face. God, in His kindness, definitely answered my whispered prayer!

Normally when we go to look at Asa's face he is covering it with his hands or feet, or his umbilical cord is in the way. Not today! We could see our sweet baby's face as clearly as if he were outside of the womb! We saw his tiny nose and his chubby cheeks. He was even sucking on his big toe! (Which is quite a feat if you ask me.) It was such a sweet, connecting time with Asa as we got to peak in on his life inside my womb. Seeing his little face move and watching him suck and move his lips around was, needless to say, the reassurance I was hoping for after that big scare.

Here he is:

This is him sucking on his big toe  :)

He definitely looks a little squished, and I admit, you probably have to be mommy or daddy to fully appreciate the cuteness in these pictures. I'm just so pleased that we got such clear shots of his face! He has the little Sweat boy nose!

They estimated his weight at 6 lbs. 12 oz. today!

Before I heard his heartbeat this morning, all I could think about was getting him out - right then! Now staring down this long week before induction feels incredibly overwhelming with these feelings of fear fresh on my heart. Please pray that as we wait out this last week, Asa continues to move and give us lots of assurance that he is healthy and well.

I do feel a sense of accomplishment having made it through and out of 37 weeks! I turned 38 weeks yesterday! Praise the Lord, He carried me through that. Please continue to pray he carries me through this last week. I think I feel more nervous than ever about another placental abruption happening. I don't know if a doctor told me this at some point, but I think the more the baby weighs, the higher the risk that they could pull on the placenta with their weight and tear it. Contractions, if they are strong enough, can also affect or loosen the placenta. I have no idea if the contractions I've been having are strong enough to loosen the placenta, but you can bet I pray that placenta will be strong through every contraction. Please, pray specifically for the placenta in this last week and ask our Lord to keep it place with his mighty hand. 

I am feeling ready for labor now, I think. But I'm feeling very anxious about it also. I know that there is nothing on this earth that I deserve, but I'm hoping that God, in His kindness, would give me a break this time and bless me with a successful, uncomplicated, and relatively quick labor and delivery. Levi's labor lasted a few days and I pushed for almost three hours. Finally, he was delivered with forceps while I was on an oxygen mask. Ezra's labor, as most of you know, had the most tragic ending and was also life-threatening to my health. I would be so thankful to have a labor and delivery that was not a traumatic event. Perhaps I could even look back on the day of labor with fondness. 

We have also been spending some time contemplating the virtue of trusting God and what that really means. Really knowing what it means to trust God is so crucial for us right now. I had a realization earlier this week that, while I have been praying faithfully for Asa, I have often been praying out of a heart that is desperate for control. My prayers have often been my attempt to control and I can feel the desperation in my heart when I am praying, because I am not really resting and trusting that God's plan is the best. It's hard to rest in God's plan when it has brought so much pain into my life, but we do still see the beauty that has come from the ashes. We still have our Ezra in heaven. He is still our son and a member of our family, and no amount of pain can take that away from us. When we fix our eyes upon Jesus and our life in heaven to come, we know that by His grace, we can trust that His plan really will be the best, no matter what. 

This short, and beautiful song has been our theme;

Fix your eyes upon Jesus,

Look full in his wonderful face,

And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,

In the light of his glory and grace.

We strongly desire to live each day recognizing God as the creator and the giver of life, being thankful to Him for the life that we have in each moment of our day. It's so simple, but we so often fail to see God as more than a being that we pray to and seek comfort from in times of need. It is the times of joy that are filled with thankfulness that will carry us through the times of need. It is the practice of praising God in the ordinary that will train our hearts to trust Him when we are desperate with anxiety or laden with pain. We forget Him so often, so easily. We forget Him and seek other pleasures far more than we even realize. We can only pray that He will grant us the ability to live in the knowledge that every good and perfect gift has been from Him. No other hand, but His.

Sometimes my mind is blown away by how simple following Him really is. He says "Come to me all who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest," (Mathew 11:28)  "Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." (Mathew 6:33) "Whoever wants to be my disciple, must take up your cross daily and follow me." (Luke 9:23)

It's simple. We are just asked to follow Him and He will give us the strength to do everything else that is required of us. This doesn't mean that it won't feel like work and discipline, but the ability to work and be disciplined in tempting moments are gifts from Him. Sometimes I feel frustrated with how "confusing" trusting God feels, as I hold on tightly to my own desires. In reality, trusting God is not confusing or complicated at all. I simply need to let go. Feel the gentle calm of release, realizing that I will never be in control. I never could be truly in control. This is not my world. This is my Father's world, and when I fill myself with the truths of His wisdom and love, I can let go. I can trust him. I can be safe in His sovereign and grace-filled control.

While these things may not be complicated or confusing when we zoom out and look at the big picture, they are certainly not easy. Our emotions are very real, and they pull and tug our hearts in a million different directions, leaving us exhausted. Thankfully our God is a God who draws us to himself, even when we have gone astray over and over again. In the book of Hosea, the Lord talks of Israel leaving Him to pursue her lovers over and over. And then He says this; "Therefore, behold, I will allure her, and bring her into the wilderness, and speak tenderly to her. And there I will give her vineyards and make the Valley of Achor a door of hope." (Hosea 2:14-15) He still draws us in, and He speaks to us tenderly as a father, and He offers us hope, though we have gone astray. He welcomes us with open arms as the Father of the prodigal son. Our great Shepherd holds us, and carries us close to His heart as He brings us back from our wanderings. 

I can trust a shepherd so gentle. 

I can trust a father so tender. 

Yes, I can trust my God.